On Depression

I believe depression is one of the greatest challenges of aging.  Life is everything – beauty and sadness, unimaginable cruelty and mercy, love and hate – what Joesph Campbell called “The pairs of opposites – and they go on forever.  And because we live this life and experience these things as humans, we develop deep emotions about it – the beautiful and terrible forces of life, the nature of this planet we all live on. 

And our lives are so short – average 70 odd to 80 odd – a few years longer if we’re both lucky and one of nature’s ‘chosen.’  We get to witness such a small snipet of it.  But since we are ’self-aware’ we can research /read about the past and learn more about ourselves in the present.  We tend to reach forward into it through the lives of our children and their children and try to imagine a future we can no longer attempt to imagine because the technological advances we are living through right now are so plentiful and are moving so quickly that no one can really keep up any more, never mind imagine something more advanced.

We are witnessing what we would have called the ‘unimaginable’ in the U.S. with Canada and other developed countires following on it’s coat tails regarding war practices, unimaginable voilations of human rights, torture and a host of other uglies that the average person would rather not know about.  From this long term nightmarish U.S. administration comes a long, long list of other ugly fall-out situations world-wide which are far too numerous to list here.  The point being, there’s not a lot to pin your hopes on for the future of our kids, grandkids and …?  So the “Baby Boomer” generation has some of the biggest challenges going to ward off depression.  And the governments recognize this as a serious problem – DRUGS!  Quick!  Drug ‘em up!

I find at this age when I visit a doctor, they regard me and then my chart.  First question: “What medications are you taking?” As they paw frantically through my chart.  “None,” I reply.  You can see the wheels moving in their heads, trying to think of what they could put me on.  Very scary. 

 

For a short time period in my forties, I took Paxil for depression.  I tried it for a month because I was told I couldn’t properly judge it unless I took it for a four week period.  Weirdest drug I ever took.  Felt like a zombie, also was very dizzy and nauseous all the time.  Stopped taking it and felt MUCH better in a day.  I find smoking a joint works a little, or sometimes does the reverse but really…nope.  There’s no drug for depression. There’s a few herbs which help, such as St. John’s wart, but really you gotta give the emotion some respect.  It does have something worthwhile to tell you.

You can’t ‘handle’ depression the way you might other things.  You must give it some space without letting it take over.  Find somewhere you can go to be alone that’s beautiful, peaceful.  Bring something to blow your nose on and some bottled water and have yourself a good old howl until you can’t cry anymore.  Then, blow your nose, drink water and move on, going for as long a walk as you can handle.  When
you return home exhausted, have a nap.  When you wake up you’ll feel a whole lot better.  That evening, watch a comedy or entertain or do something fun. You’ll feel better the next day too.  And if you feel it necessary – go again and do the same thing.  Give tears the space and time without letting them take over everything.  You can’t ‘discipline’ yourself into not feeling sad.  You feel sad and MUST express it.

When my daughter first moved out of home on her own it felt like having my arm ripped off emotionally.  It took years to get over that feeling, and I still weep a little when I think of it.  That was eight years ago now, and a whole lot has changed.  But life at this age is slowing down in some senses – even when I’m very busy – and so is my sense of time.  Eight years is awhile in a younger person’s life.  At age 55, eight years isn’t so long. 

 

From a very young person’s view, life is all new and miraculous.  At this age, people realize the ‘newness’ comes with some of the details, but the  cycles of life repeat over and over – the great spirals of life and death – the seasons of life and death and renewal.  Even much smaller things which occur in life fit into that ’spiral’ theme – spirals within spirals.  And it is incredibly beautiful and miraculous, although in order to be all that it really is, it is also cruel and horrible.

We’re living through one of the most dramatic times in history, where we might well be witnessing the fall of the U.S. empire.  Yet the ‘monster’ seems to be taking a very long time to die, and we don’t know what this will eventually mean for Canada, the rest of the world.  There’s a lot of shit going on, so maybe the real question is: if we aren’t feeling sad about all this, what should we be feeling?  Or if we aren’t sad, what are we feeling? 

  

There’s an expression popular now that I hate: “suck it up.”  A quick recipe for psychosis.  Suck it up – push it all down, way, way down, sit on it.  Stuff it.  Sure, a person has to get on with life and do what they must to keep going but that doesn’t mean there can’t be balance.  If you never allow yourself to be weak, to cry, to feel whatever, how on earth can you be strong when you must?  You’ve spent all your spirit “sucking it up.”Sometimes there’s a tendancy to feel guilty for feeling depressed, since I live in this great place and have a good life.  I’m not living inBagdad. But still, you live the life you’re ‘given’ to live and make the best of it.  I try not to feel guilty because I have so much to be thankful for and yet sometimes feel sad, because I
obviously haven’t given ‘voice’ to my sadness, and all humans have that right.  It isn’t about ‘degree’ or the amount of horrible things which have happened, it’s about your reactions and feelings about them, and what it means to you. 

  

I don’t think a person can properly put things into perspective unless you give yourself the time you need to have a cry.  But you can also make rules for yourself such as: I will take no more than 1 1/2 hours – or whatever.  Then follow with something active – like a walk.

  

Finding time and space to cry alone is powerful because you are deliberately giving yourself the time and space away from everyone to pour out your heart without worry over how others around you feel.  You could bring a notebook for journaling if you want.  I find it sometimes helps.